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The Mad Hatter's Rambles

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21st April 2007

9:36pm: so the fight starts today...
well if i want to be technical about it tonight...
anyway, the point is i have to start the fight
so i choose to start it now

so heres me...starting the fight
i wonder if i can find myself a big enough sword...or maybe a cutless...if im going to fight i may as well fight like a pirate...without the parrot though..all those feathers would just get annoying...but i wouldnt mind an eyepatch either
but then again i already find it hard enough to see with covering up one of my eyes...myabe ill leave the eyepatch and just stick with the sword

pirates aside...im actually a little scared...ok quite a bit
i dont know if im going to be able to win. the fights been one sided for a far while now, so i guess this is my way of letting me know that i have to start fighting now, or otherwise i dont know whats going to happen. i dont mind not having total control, but complete lack of it is rather frightening...and dangerous, and scary
and sad
so heres me, ready for battle
hope i can remind myself when i need to
at least i can always look at this...
but then i may just think what a fool im being
but thats better than the alternative
so im going to wish myself good luck - and now it begins
8:18pm: im hiding from an old friend of mine
once thought lost
sadly, found.
bully me is it?
believe me, it is
and im slowly losing the control that i never had
and i think tap my mine feels like it cant hold on
past a dig ream awe thence aim
let gopher tall...
i cant, i fall
and return
cheek pressed against a white tiled floor

18th April 2007

12:51am: its been a very long time since ive written in here...
maybe i ought to do this more often?
when did my mind get so screwed up? when did it start hurting my heart to think this hard?
the worst thing is that i cant name what im feeling...or thinking
it cant be catergorised or identified, its just is
if i could name it, maybe i could fight it
can i call this helplessness?
or is it the beginning of a glittering realisation?
if i could let it go then maybe i could get my own mind back, instead of feeling like im living outside myself
looking in
and wondering where she dropped all her pearls
and why she still hasnt learnt to hold onto them

3rd July 2006

9:46pm: Random mumblings
You know those days when you wake up and you just feel fat and ugly...today was one of those days. And trust me, Paris is not a good place to feel ugly and fat in...so the ultimate cure...a handful of homemade chocolate biscuits and a good book to hide in! So today I went to the park and hid myself in my biscuits and my book and hoped to god that not too many people saw me...
And another thing...summer's here...and its a bitch...so god damn hot! Its almost 10 at night and im still sweating...i dont like sweating at all and at the moment i feel like im drowning in an ocean (thats a truly disgusting simlile in two ways, one in how common it is and two, the very idea of an ocean of sweat)
I realise that im just rambling about nothing in particular here but thats all i really feel like doing...i cant really be bothered thinking about order and logical sequences because the sun doesnt do good things to my brain
Even the dog is feeling the heat...at the moment he is sitting on the balcony just to feel the slight cool breeze that may be blowing outside...i wish him the best of luck
Ive also decided that living is paris is making me fat and i have to go on a diet or otherwise they are not going to let me on the plane back home and i dont think i could handle that...how come the parisans can eat whatever they want and not get fat? just another of lifes little mysteries
And another thing...no im not going to start ranting now...ill save it for another day
Off to read alice in wonderland to the wee little people...weeee!!!
Current Mood: cheerful

28th June 2006

10:11pm: Happy days are here again!
Ok...no more homesickness...
i hope...no i no longer feel as sad as i was a couple of days ago...i was told that this is the way that homesickness goes...u either arrive overseas and spend the first whole week crying and spending all u money on chocolate and tissues or ur fine for three months and then it suddenly hits u like a truck
guess which category i fall into?
oh well everything is fine now! im back to my normal happy cheerful self! hurrah!
not much else to add for the moment that i can think of...
well i could say that i love the parisian nightlife...the city that doesnt seem to sleep...going home after watching the sunrise over notre dame...not much can be more wonderful...except the long needed sleep that one needs after such night
and for now i shall leave to rite some emails or maybe to study some french and eat some chocolate...mmm chocolate
Current Mood: cheerful

22nd June 2006

11:29pm: homesickness
homesickness...

is flooding my senses, i dont feel that i have the ability to feel any sensation but sadness
my heart is heavy
and i dont want to cry but i cant seem to help myself
i want to close my eyes
and when i open them i want to find myself in another place, even though i dont know where
just not here

i want to find the switch to turn of my thoughts
and yet im fumbling in the dark
and finding nothing
Current Mood: sad

15th June 2006

7:26pm: Random acts
Last night i was riding the métro to the movies at Champs-Elysees when the most random thing happened...there we all are just sitting (or in my case standing) waiting to reach out stop when this man jumps on the train and between two of the metal poles ( u know the ones that u hold when ur standing in the middle of the train and ur trying to hold on without touching anyone elses hand) sets up a puppet show...then he brings out his puppet which is a sleepy mexican guitar player, turns on his portable tape player and the puppet starts this song about chikitas and tequila...
and all i could think of was 'this kicks cityrail's arse'

And...this is just another little random act in my day that makes me understand why i love paris...

last nite i walked home from the movies at midnight in the rain...i wish i could have photographed the moment, or somehow captured it in a bottle so i can look at it again and again
Current Mood: content

14th June 2006

3:08pm: Little wee people can be cute
Yesterday I discovered that wee little people can be very cute (I should probably mention that by wee little people i mean the kids i look after...but i refuse to call them kids as i always seem to think of goats when i say this...)

As i was walking home with Blanche (aged 3 and incredibly intelligent) and Vital (aged 1 and a half) through the park Blanche has gone 'oh look...a fucks'

I think I almost collapsed due to shock...here i am meant to be helping the little people learn english and this is what she comes out with...and i havent even said that in front of her...

my reply 'what do u mean chicken?'
'over there, there's a fucks'
I didnt know whether i should at least correct her grammar...
so i asked again 'Where chicken?'
and she ran over to this statue of a man with a rabbit, a bird and a freakin' fox!
'ohhh darling thaats a fox'
'i know' she replied 'a fucks'

I thought this was very cute...though im still trying to make her say it the right way...these are the little moments that just brighten my day
Current Mood: tired

13th June 2006

3:18pm: Heat
It's hot here

I mean really hot...

And i thought australia was hot

The heat at this moment in time is making sweat drip from my fingertips onto the keys as i type *shudders*

I would write more, but the heat has turned my brain to mush

12th June 2006

3:35pm: I'm back!
Just a very brief statement to say that i have decided to get off my lazy bottom and try to keep my livejournal updated!
yay for me and for you all who are going to get to read all these interesting snippets about my parisian life!
must go and wake the wee little people (im an au pair!) but hopefully ill be able to write something better later...
*yawns and looks for HUGE bowl of coffee*
yes, here we dont do mugs...but BOWLS of coffee...whheeee!

18th March 2006

9:24pm: Moving House Rant
AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!no more moving house...i dont want to do it anymore...yesterday i had to eat breakfat with no plates, no bowls and most importantly..with no spoon! it is very hard to eat yoghurt without a spoon and not manage to slop it all over oneself...and then there was no kettle, therefore no coffee...and how am i meant to survive the morning without coffee?
anyway, its all over and my mum and my step dad (and me when im there) into this cute little cottage that was built in the 70's (hence the baby pink and mint green bathroom with mint green toilet and tiles that make the floor look as though it is 3D), then had attachments in the 80's and then a little old lady moved in in the 90's (hence the addition of rails througout the cottage/house)...but this place has so much character that i fell in love with it the moment i stepped through the front door...feels like i have lived there for years and not 1 and a half days
*on another note*
and its nice to have the internet again...i barely lasted the 2 days without it...what has my life come to? mmm...oh well...
Current Mood: tired

14th March 2006

11:22pm: IM GOING TO PARIS!!!
Got an email today that told me that the family that I wanted to be an au pair for has accepted me and wants me!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yayayayayayayayayay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry...i know that noone should use exclaimation marks like that but i feel that this can be seen as exceptional circumstances...
so now its looks as though ill be gone in 2 weeks which is really rather scary and exciting...ive been a complete computer nerd today and had one of my best friends load up google earth on my laptop and ive actually seen the appartment where im going to be living for the next year...
so now i have a real family, who have names and jobs and ages and likes and dislikes...and a dog! they have a dog! (i probably shouldnt be getting so excited about the dog but hey)
and so thats all im going to say for the moment as i feel that im starting to seem a little overexcited...

*strolls off to the land of nod*
Current Mood: cheerful

10th March 2006

10:03pm: do bats eat cats?
Today was a day of nothingness...not in the sense that i didnt actually not do anything (because this is basically impossible, even in sleeping we are still doing something) but in the sense that i dont feel that i had really achieved anything today...
i woke up, did the whole having breakfast and showering thing, got stuff for lunch and dinner, had lunch, walked to library and home again, went for run, cooked dinner, watched rather creepy crime show on tv (but i wont go into the details because i feel that this really indicates that i have nothing worthwhile to write)..in between the gaps i was reading and finishing jane eyre...
and thats about it...im still just waiting for the phone call to tell me whether or not my family wants me or not...

so thats me at the moment...feeling a little listless...i need to see people, or at least talk to them! i tend to be a bit of a loner, actually there is probably a better word for it, maybe that i dont mind my own compant and i dont mind solitude but there comes a point where i need to talk to other people...who are not my dad or the people at work

at least i have the time to read a lot
Current Mood: sleepy

7th March 2006

10:54pm: Depressing stuff
its so depressing to realise that all my friends are at uni...and i find myself working at harris farm...this is my life at the moment and i would like to say that i think it sucks...yes thats all i have...there is a huge aresenal of adjectives in the English language at my disposal and the only one i use it sucks...
thats depressing too
i need something to keep me going before i leave or otherwise im going to go insane...i just havent quite figured out what that something is yet...am tempted to go into uni and see everyone, but this will be even more sad...
i know that this should be the moment when i cease wallowing in my own self pity and suddenly think of things that i can accomplish, yet its not going to happen
*sinks back into self misery*
Current Mood: discontent

4th March 2006

8:47pm: mmm...blah
today, i went shopping, and not the type that involves food...i actually went shopping and bought clothes...it has been such a very long time since i have even attempted such a feat on a weekend...cos usually im working but now that i have saturdays off, i can join the rest of the weekend crowd...

usually im not a huge fan of clothes shopping (i actually prefer the whole grocery shopping thing but i guess that might have something to do with the fact that i go to about 4 different shops to do all the groceries...like the tea shop, but im getting distracting) but today i liked clothes shopping cos someone else was buying and helping me...i just cant do it by myself...and also it a lot more fun if someone is with you

i think thats about all at the moment

France update: travel insurance has been bought (it cost $1200...i chose not to convert this into how many hours i would have worked at harris farm to earn this money), plus i now have afamily (5 children, oh dear god!) and im going to paris (am planning to spend much time at the louvre...not as a tourist, but truly seeing it all) so all is great...im just dont want to wait any longer...
Current Mood: cheerful

16th February 2006

9:22pm: Nothing in particular
Well let's see...what did today involve???

Today was dad and daughter bonding day and unlike normal families (or what i would consider normal) my dad and i ran for 2 or so hours...thats what we like to do...then a very late lunch and cd shopping...so really we were relatively normal (apart from the whole running thing...) so now im feeling quite tired...and my legs are really sore, but hey...we all suffer for our families :-)
Dad is still convinced that im not going to france in a couple of weeks...and i think it is days like this that help him to continue to deny what is presently going to happen, and unfortunately i cant convince him otherwise, and i dont think that it will really hit him until were at the airport and im waving goodbye to him. So i guess that instead of reminding him that im going, im jsut going to enjoy days like today for what they are, not relative to the idea that i wont get these times with him until i come home...or more the point...he wont get these times with me

Planning for france is going well...apart from having to wait for the nsw police force to get their act together and send back my criminal record check as proof that i havent commited robbery, assault (physical or otherwise), drugs etc etc...its frustrating cos its the only thing im waiting for now and its a nothing, quite simply because i dont have a history...arrggghhh! Frustration!
Am off to continue thinking thoughts in french about how much i like to cook, clean and care for children under the age of 13 and try to make them sound convincing enough that some family will want me to look after their kids...i guess i should aim for some sort of sincerity?
Current Mood: contemplative

10th February 2006

9:13pm: The sunny side of things
Today went to Manly to vist uni friends and have realised that living in sydney makes it almost impossible to see your friends...which is really a rather bleak and pessimistic way of viewing sydney life, but it is something that really does irritate me...
you think that hanging out with people that you actually like would be a great thing and instead it seems to involve just as much hassle as avoiding the people you dont like...maybe we should all just become hermits and that way life would be a lot simpler...

*thinks for a moment*

scrap that plan...i like people too much and need my friends too much for that...but i still wouldnt mind having the ability to click my fingers or wiggle my nose and find myself instantly in another place, it would mean a lot less time spent on cityrail and countrylink (oh joy) and much more time spent doing better things...it would also avoid the issue of having to hop on an airplane in order to visit foreign places, which is something i would greatly appreciate

im not quite sure why i entitled this rant 'the sunny side of things', so far i seem to have whinged a fair bit and not really looked at anything in a positive light. i guess the sunny side of things is that at least i got to see my friends today, not exactly in the way we had planned two weeks ago,but still i saw them, which is better than not at all...and plus i had a great time, even though the vicious sun burnt my legs and now have funny red blotches on them...i never was made to withstand the australian sun, way too fair for that...oh well
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